Hi, I’m new to this blogging, being honest, and sharing my feelings. My intent it to use this blog as a place to be honest with myself with the hopes that it will generalize into other areas of my life. Maybe someone who reads this will be able to relate. I’m not quite sure where to start….I guess I’ll start with the things that I find the most difficult to talk about and the things that I hide the most…from myself and those around me. Ok here goes… I experienced trauma and sexual abuse as a 3 year old and 7 year old…but I am a 49 year old mother of 2 young men and wife of 28 years and no one really wants to talk about my loss of innocence now. My poor husband… I remembered the abuse after I had certain images pop into my head about 6 month after the wedding. I know it sounds strange but these images were not exactly new. The had run across my brain throughout my life, but it was only at this point did they pause there in my brain and I took notice and asked, “what the heck was that?” I would have discounted them I’m sure, my brain is really good at denial, but I told my mother about them, and she broke down in tears saying “We hoped you had forgotten about that. You were only 3!” In my parents defense it was the early 1970’s and we lived in Malaysia at that time which was on the other side of the world from where my parents grew up in Louisiana, USA.
Then there was another incident in Nigeria when I was 7. I think it is important to tell you that I lived in 7 different countries on 5 different continents and went to 11 different schools before the age of 13….my younger years were a little chaotic. It’s funny that I never even thought that until I had children of my own and tried to create boundaries of safety and security for them.
Ok….another thing that I have to tell you about if I am being completely honest is that I have had an anxiety disorder since my 20’s which I developed about the same time these memories came back to me. I really hate to tell you that because that is the the thing I hide the most. Most of my friends don’t even know that. I have a few that know but only the ones that I have deemed to be “safe.” It is mostly manifested in my driving..I was in the car when I had my first panic attack…. So I have a comfort zone ….a perimeter from my house that I have decided is “safe” and I avoid driving out of that perimeter at all costs….so there’s my dirty secret that I mask and hide from most everyone that knows me except of course my family because it’s really difficult to hide it from them.
I have decided that I am tired of being limited and that I want to move (drive-literally) out of my comfort zones. This blog is going to be my journey. If you are reading this and you have experience with stretching yourself or have desires to grow out of the box that you have put yourself into then join me in this journey!
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